Hey, does anyone remember Nicole?

Yeah, I mean, it's a bit hazy for me too, but I think - correct me if I'm wrong here- but she might have gone out with Maia, like last year or something? Kind of a fraught relationship, neither of them could really get it together..? Sort of the party girl to straight lace Maia? Ran off to Tauranga after a big fight? Ring any bells, anyone?

Oh me neither, it's a good thing then that over a THIRD of Monday's show was devoted to reminding us about her! Because when a Shorty character leaves for just over a month the audience's memory automatically wipes out- kind of like that guy from Chris Nolan's Memento- and unless we have tattooed Nicole on our arms we need a ton of re-establishment to bring her back into our apparently goldfish sized minds.

First Nicole late night drunk dials the Jeffries yuppie urban abode and gets Tania so we get an entire scene of Tania ON THE PHONE. This scene broke some general Shorty rule of the viewers not being privy to phone conversations. Usually you see a character on a phone and you either can't hear one side of the conversation, or we cut to the person they're speaking to and hear the conversation embedded between two locations. Not so with Nicole, who is allowed the incongruity of a voice over. We hear that she wants to apologise to Maia, whom Tania refuses to wake up. The next morning we get an entire scene of Maia and Tania talking over breakfast in which the phone conversation is pointlessly reiterated. Maia is reluctant to ring Nicole back.

***Aside****
-During this conversation I was so bored that I noticed Shorty has kindly bothered to give its characters another diegetic soundtrack. So while Maia and Tans are eating toast they are listening to some girly country music. This makes a pleasant change from the Rhian Shian album the characters have been listening to constantly for the last three years. It has taken me forever to get the hang of Shortland Street's diegetic and non-diegetic music, as both are nearly always acousmatic. Generally the only clue one has that the characters are listening to the stereo, rather than us listening to a soundtrack is that when a scene ends the music cuts out abruptly. It's a trick that seems borrowed directly from Neighbours/Home and Away, but I am uncertain about what this feature does for the believability of S.S, given that they hardly ever vary the music the characters are listening to. There's a point where Rhian Shian is absurd, and that point was 2004 when 'Tiny Blue Biosphere' was released. The fact the McKay household had it cranking for the better part of 2009 deeply concerns me.***

Anyway, as if this one conversation were not enough, it turns out Nicole also called Gerald in the night, so when Maia gets to the hospital she and Gerald have the same conversation AGAIN about Nicole wanting to get in touch. Maia is again reluctant. Then Maia has some Nicole angst with Yvonne, which is the same conversation again. Skip forward to after the third ad break and here is Maia having the same conversation AGAIN with Tania. PLEASE CAN THIS BE CONDENSED? In the two days worth of Shortland Street time/15 minutes of screentime it has taken for Maia to twiddle her thumbs I have had more drama going to the kitchen to make a pot of tea. Anyway the result is that Gerald and Maia are going to Tauranga to visit Nicole this week, apparently so we have something else to look at while everyone talks about her.

In the meantime, Brooke has tried to interfere with Daniel and Lauren's relationship, after their fight which involved Daniel sticking a picture of him and Lauren on his 'mylife' page (long may Shorty's alter-technology and askew reading of current teenage trends continue, if only for my amusement). Brooke manages to patch things up between them by pulling the old 'surprise dinner' trick. She and Lauren then bond by retelling their backstories, Lauren with her autistic brother, and Brooke with her poor little rich girl my 16th birthday party was ruined bit (I do believe this is the third or forth time Brooke has told us this story, I am starting to feel like I was there). Why are these people telling us things we already know? Lauren's character is becoming very difficult for me to watch. Her motivations are completely under-established and the current editing of her character, which is to draw out her secrets for as long as possible until it is revealed that she is merely sensitive and misunderstood, is unwarrented and frustrating. As TK said last night "she seems like hard work". This Mylife picture fight has been going on for at least three episodes, and it's final revealation- that Lauren feels strange about pictures due to her younger brother's autism, is totally underwhelming. It doesn't even make a lot of sense. Also, Lauren's eye makeup confuses me about whether it is meant to be day or night.

Brooke winds up telling TK she loves him and the cliffhanger is that he doesn't answer straight away. The pause after she tells him is delightfully awkward.

In other news, Tracey has worked out her brother the cop is bent as can be and she is mighty upset. Sarah Thompson (Tracey) does some fairly plausible tears and runs into the arms of Scotty. My most loathed Shorty camera framing device- the two heads in single shot close up- tells me they are about to make out, and for a second they almost do, but then Tracey pulls away. Shorty you tease! Just when I thought I had it all figured out.

Get Doug some botox in the forehead

After a week of Isaac being told what to do by Chris, he finally takes charge, ditches Harry’s school teacher and declares his feelings for Tania. We have to wait while Tania pretends to consider his offer, which is crazy cause we know she’s desperate for love. Friday takes us to Isaac waiting at the IV with Maxwell consoling him. Tania arrives in her one shoulder number and accepts Isaac’s offer but suggests they take it slow. This is a relief as Tania’s ‘middle aged man hater routine’ was getting a wee bit old and there were a few too many lusty eye shots coming from under the surgical mask.

This storyline is woven with the ‘bent-cop Doug and Tracy being a detective again’ story. She just couldn’t believe Doug’s excuses and calls Eddie Ho and arranges a meeting. Eddie Ho’s character is surprisingly well done for a shorty bad ass however his hang out is too much! With bombings sporadically lining the walls and a few body guards hanging out, Tracy walks in and tells him to take the pressure of Doug. However Eddie laughs in her face and tells Tracy the truth about Doug - that he had a crazy big bum chin right in the middle of his forehead and he’s also a bent cop. This comes as a big shock for Tracy as she can’t believe her Southern bro would go to such extremes. However when Tracy confronts Doug he tells her about how he had to save these kiddies and she can’t dob him in. This is the cliff hanger for Friday... kinda a tricky decision for Tracy who always takes the high road when giving everyone else advice...

19 April 2010 "they always talk to Dad like that, I don't know why"

Right, so after a rather gripless cliff hanger last Friday involving Sophie's discovery of Hunter's med school plagiarism, Monday leads with three main story lines which is pretty much Shorty running through some housekeeping. None of tonight's episode called up the main mystery plot which involves Tracey, her brother Doug and the bent copper situation; a scenario which for now continues to captivate me, but given Shorty's tendency to overdraw on shameful secret/mystery lines I'm not holding my breath (see: last year and Maia and themurderofEthanmadnessthatneverendsit justgoes on andonmyfriend... some people started writing it not knowing what it was, and they continued writing it forever just because...).

So Sophie has caught Hunter purchasing his uni essay because he's all sweaty with potential H.I.V and stressed over his deadlines. She winds up defending him, and asking Daniel to hack the varsity computer in attempt to rectify the situation. Badass Daniel is momentarily revived to serve this purpose, a mild relief from Divorcee Kid Daniel and I Dont Understand Girls Daniel. Anyway it turns out there's nothing anyone can do about the essay which is fine really, because the whole point of the essay is to create a moral foil for the Kieran/Sean/Sophie problem. Sophie realises her defence of Hunter is comparable to Kieran protecting Sean about Morgan's murder. Because one ethical conundrum is totally interchangeable with the other, yes. Kieran's like "come back Sophie" and I KNOW they're keeping Kimberly Crossman -perhaps one of the more watchable Shorty teenagers since the days of Minnie and Nick- on the show by marrying her off to Kieran, but I AM SO BORED OF SEEING THOSE TWO TOGETHER. One more scene of Adam Rickett looking guilty and Sophie blindly declaring her love and I will be convinced they are actually recycling footage. Clearly the Morgan thing is going to be played out to the hilt here. One of the major critiques I feel like I will probably want to reiterate about SS a lot if this blog continues is that the pace and escalation in this show is just off the radar lately. The Traditional Christmas Cliffhanger had all the fizz of premature ejaculation during a one night stand; I really don't feel like Morgan's death and the debauched Mitchell brothers etc etc is enough to sustain this Sophie/Kieran crap.

In the meantime, Gerald has taken over Yvonne's/Libby's role as P.A. Rachel is being a bitch at work as per usual (I swear, Angela Bloomfield must have been directing last year's sloooww plots and gone 'screw it, I'll just get in the scene and mess up some drama myself). Gerald accidentally discovers she plans to close the PCC, and suffers a dull moral crisis. He goes to confide in Yvonne at her bedside, who literally spends half the scene asleep (Alison Quigan, phoning it in, really). This all eventuates with Gerald telling Callum that Rachel plans to close Callum's "baby" the PCC, and sets the cat among the piegons for what will not doubt be a riveting week of hospital politics/Rachel/Callum drama. Is it just me or did we not get nearly enough Rachel/Callum sexy time to justify this level of beaureau-romantic tedium?

Finally, we have some Warner vs Warner boys2men stuff going down. After the paintball episode of last week, there is some deep male bonding and rivalry lately. As far as I can tell this is in order to get Dr. Isaac McLusty all dressed up as a soldier and soccer player respectively. But we are seeing some serious brotension between Chris and Isaac, tonight centering around Harry. Basically in an attempt to curry favour with him, somehow Isaac does Harry's math homework, gives him beer, and lets him play a fantastic sounding 'gamestation' (love Shorty bizzarro world technology) game hilariously called 'Murder Kill' (R16!!!!). Chris is furious. Somehow the Chris/Harry/Isaac trio later wind up at a fundraiser for Harry's soccer time- yep, Harry plays soccer now, it reminds me a lot of that time when Harry got a pet bunny purely so it could be killed off so Harry could learn about death. The soccer thing is actually on location, which shifts the whole tone of the show askew with the exterior lighting, as is always the case when Shorty shoots outdoors. Chris and Isaac try and onemanup each other in a goal shooting contest, Isaac kicks a soccer ball into Harry's face and bruises it (Harry is so annoying I found it irresistible not to be pleased by this) and the whole episode ends with Isaac sleeping with Harry's math teacher, who is ... really skanky... even for a walk on role. Where is this all going? Uncertain, other than that I guess Harry is learning more about sleepovers than fractions.